Even I have a heart. Even I am a human. Even I have emotions.
“The smile is surely cute and diplomatic but doesn’t last long for the same cause.”This is what I told a little junior of mine when she sat crying, as she didn’t become a prefect, and according to her, the non-deserving ones did. I told her that in a different context all together as she told me no one cares about her.
Everyday there is someone who tells me that I am smart, that I am popular, that I am talented but why don’t I have friends around me?
I sit back and think what the reason behind this rebellious attitude of mine is, that I do not want anyone to be close to me?
I had to trace back to my life when I was a third grader. Honestly, I was emotionally very sensitive. We all grow, and so did I. I could never mingle with the Madu groups around me because they took life a little too casually, while the others were having different perceptions and lifestyle all together. I was the kid that didn’t watch Ben-10 or Pokemon, may be a lot would say that then I hadn’t enjoyed my childhood, but not really, because there are tons of things that I did instead of computer games or television.
Time progressed, and I grew, I grew rapidly. A huge transformation from the 8th grade to the 9th, I successfully had a really good friend circle around me. Things were amazing. Those funny times at my place with all friends coming over, sitting on the pavements out SMV and having Maggi almost everyday. Nostalgic indeed.
You might think what happened after that, that makes me think this way about bonding today.
During the beginning of the 10th grade, when life wasn’t that easy for me, my group of friends helped me to reconstruct life fast and strong. Trust me, it wouldn’t have been possible without them. The lads know what they mean to me. But I am not sure what exactly happened, but as days went by, each and every one of them kept moving on their own paths and so did I but what was hurting was that they had started developing perceptions about me, that I am sure were wrong but I never complained. Including the girl, I am sure all of you know.
People started believing that I had become selfish, I tried to clear by saying that life isn’t the same for me and them, if I didn’t support my mom and family now by taking up responsibilities, that surely wouldn’t be right on my part. Nobody cared to understand though. Once again, there was that duration of depression in my life when I was completely not in anyone’s touch. This time, I grew up and got out of it on my own, and when I did and thought I would have my old life back, I was wrong.
Ever since then, I have believed that friendships and bondings are somethings that are not meant for me at all. Today, I rarely communicate, but I still do everything I can, but things surely aren’t the same from the other side of life’s court.
I remember my words to a teacher in the staff room during when she asked, “How is your life now, must be really hard to lose a mentor and walk alone?”, to which I replied, “Ma’am, the journey teaches us a lot, and what I have learnt is that this world is a very deceptive place. We think we have a lot of things, and a lot of times we are wrong. So it is better to fight the battle alone.” Filled with emotions of pain and grief, both our eyes were in tears.
I am still the same. What my past was, and my present is, doesn’t affect me, taking every moment and living it, dependent on none, but loving all.